Pageboy: A Memoir

─ 從艾倫到艾略特，佩吉曲折的自我認同之旅 ─

細膩書寫他與身體的關係，直白公開內心從困惑、掙扎、不安，到面對、擁抱，接受與找到自我的過程。

2008年當時的他還是艾倫‧佩吉(Ellen Page)，因出演獨立青春電影《鴻孕當頭》(Juno)的女主角一炮而紅，不但獲頒2008年獨立精神獎最佳女主角，同時更入圍第80屆奧斯卡最佳女主角，當年她才21歲，雖然最終由法國演員瑪莉亞‧珂蒂詠以《玫瑰人生》摘下后冠，卻也為艾倫開啟了她的好萊塢大門。

從一個來自加拿大的電視劇演員，瞬間成為好萊塢商業電影的熱門出演人選，觀眾開始在商業大片裡看見她的身影，《X戰警》系列、《全面啟動》、伍迪艾倫執導的《愛上羅馬》等，看似一帆風順的人生，對她來說卻是人生中最黑暗低潮的時候。特別是《鴻孕當頭》的成功，她被要求穿上長裙、擺出誘人姿勢面對大批媒體的鏡頭，她後來回憶起，當時的自己其實已罹患憂鬱症、焦慮與恐慌症，她在拍攝《全面啟動》期間，因恐慌症發作無法離開她住的飯店，甚至病情嚴重時，她無力念完一段完整的句子，讓她沒有辦法參加任何試鏡。

艾倫還未出櫃時，便時常以行動支持LGBT團體的活動，2014年在Time to Thrive人權活動上，她發表演說並公開出櫃，認為自己已經很幸福，有支持自己的家人，身為一個公眾人物，她覺得自己更有理由為LGBT族群站出來發聲，2018年艾倫與女友結婚。艾倫曾表示她知道公開出櫃，在即使看起來十分推崇多元、支持左派的好萊塢，也意味著妳可能會開始與商業大片和主角無緣，而她也批評好萊塢文化對女星長期以來的形象壓抑：妳必須要性感、要穿裙子、符合「女演員」的形象。

2020年，艾倫在IG上公開自己成為跨性別者，同時改名為艾略特，震驚演藝圈之餘，Netflix率先恭喜他並立即表示支持，立即修改他參演的《雨傘學院》裡的演員資料，同時許多名人、演員與歌手等，包括已與他低調離婚的前妻也對他的選擇表示支持，艾略特的IG帳號在同一天瞬間暴增40萬粉絲，當然伴隨而來的除了鼓勵與支持，更多的是謾罵與仇恨言論。一邊接受手術後療養，他一邊計畫撰寫傳記。

2020年12月，他首次在術後接受專訪，在與歐普拉的對談中，他對於能夠透過手術而成為「真正的自己」感到喜悅而哭泣，歐普拉事後表示，從未有一場專訪讓她如此緊張，因為她知道這是一個劃時代、別具意義的訪談。2021年，艾略特成為時代雜誌的封面人物，也是首位登上時代雜誌封面的跨性別者。

美國有80%的人對於跨性別者幾乎毫無認知，且大部分來自於媒體、電影與影集裡對跨性別者過度誇大的形象描寫，扭曲了跨性別者們的真實面目。美國同性戀反詆毀聯盟(Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, GLAAD)主席Nick Adams表示，人們對跨性別者的認知差距，那些被深化在腦海中的刻板負面印象，正在殘害跨性別族群的生命。這本書不僅僅是艾略特自己的故事，透過寫下這些帶著創傷的回憶，回顧過往的艱困時刻，艾略特認為自己一直都是實踐主義者，既然被認為有特權與聲量，那就更要利用來做些正確的事。

誠如潔美李寇蒂斯所評，展現真我是一生功課，本書正是領航指南。從奧斯卡最佳女主角入圍者、出櫃女同志到跨性別男子，佩吉直面外界眼光與屈辱，為自我認同而抗爭。


NAMED A MOST ANTICIPATED BOOK by Salon, The Week, Elle, Bustle, and more.

Full of intimate stories, from chasing down secret love affairs to battling body image and struggling with familial strife, Pageboy is a love letter to the power of being seen. With this evocative and lyrical debut, Oscar-nominated star Elliot Page captures the universal human experience of searching for ourselves and our place in this complicated world.

“Can I kiss you?” It was two months before the world premiere of Juno, and Elliot Page was in his first ever queer bar. The hot summer air hung heavy around him as he looked at her. And then it happened. In front of everyone. A previously unfathomable experience. Here he was on the precipice of discovering himself as a queer person, as a trans person. Getting closer to his desires, his dreams, himself, without the repression he’d carried for so long. But for Elliot, two steps forward had always come with one step back.

With Juno’s massive success, Elliot became one of the world’s most beloved actors. His dreams were coming true, but the pressure to perform suffocated him. He was forced to play the part of the glossy young starlet, a role that made his skin crawl, on and off set. The career that had been an escape out of his reality and into a world of imagination was suddenly a nightmare.

As he navigated criticism and abuse from some of the most powerful people in Hollywood, a past that snapped at his heels, and a society dead set on forcing him into a binary, Elliot often stayed silent, unsure of what to do, until enough was enough. Full of behind the scenes details and intimate interrogations on sex, love, trauma, and Hollywood, Pageboy is the story of a life pushed to the brink. But at its core, this beautifully written, winding journey of what it means to untangle ourselves from the expectations of others is an ode to stepping into who we truly are with defiance, strength, and joy.